Welcome Session beLoved

It's interesting.

How sometimes you have so much to say, so much to ask, yet never be able to express them all. You keep them all to yourself and think that it's the best decision. Don't rock the boat, as the saying goes. It's not considerate to unload every thought to your closest friend - she'd have to shoulder your burden too. There're repurcussions if you tell your friend thoughts that concern the whole community; judgements are formed and there's no taking 'em back.

I was with Xiu today at Robertson Quay. Nice chocolate place with great atmosphere and scenic view. Many thoughts just running through my mind. Not sure if I should share them though; 'cos she knows the LSCO community and well. Sometimes being too close and sharing everything without the right focus can be disastrous.

Past by Clarke Quay after that and those drinking madly days just came back. A nice, naughty feeling of wanting to indulge in it again. But. Must maintain state of purity. It's the motive that's important. No over-drinking. No having fun in such a manner. Difficult to say no.

Week 10 Saturday

It's done.

Somehow I just feel some sort of absence. The class threw a 'surprise' party for me yesterday. How can they be so cute, adorable and handsome and yet so naughty at the same time?

Maybe I should have insisted on a teaching post in a girls' school.

It's too late to think about such thoughts now. Time to move on and look forward.

Have been mixed feelings lately about my discernment decision to do a 180 degree switch. I just hope and trust on Nicky Gumble's analogy. A child was playing a piano piece and the music sounded awful. This was transformed when his grandfather came by and started filling in the gaps and the outcome was beautiful.

I've no other hopes other than God's promises and hopes.

Alpha Weekend day 1 was good today. Went in with openess and the effect was simply mind-boggling. Didn't expect anything and got so much experience and affimations of the Lord's sovereignty.

Happiness vs. joy. peace of the world vs. peace of God.

Week 9 Tuesday

Tempus fugit.

Time sure does fly. It's already Week 9 and there's only 6 more days to go. With this Friday down as we'd be visiting East Coast Park, that means only 5 more teaching days.

And there's KL to look forward to this WEEKEND! :) Some quality time with my father and 2 aunts. I'm sure looking forward to days away from the country.

Just came back from the LSCO retreat. Very good. I've finally found the reason for my stale relationship with Jesus. I wasn't open to the Holy Spirit and continued to rely on my own strength. Once I make the decision to recommit myself once again, the Holy Spirit will revive my passion for people. There. So simple.

So I gave the green light. I'm recharged now. Onwards for the LISS pre-prep.

I also made a commitment to attend weekday mass for the whole of Week 10. Let's hope it's possible. I'm sure if I desire so much to see the Lord, the path'd be shown.

Week 8 Wednesday

"You look dead, man."
(Whatever la. I NEED coffee now. I'm just thinking about my class and how fascinating it is that I can be angry at them and love them so much at the same time.)

I like the people here. Nice. Friendly. If only I had more courage to approach and befriend them and be more like myself.

I like the area I'm sitting in. Other than the noise from the printing machines beside me, I like the solitude, the peace and the serenity of the space.

I'm drinking crap coffee now. It tastes disgusting. I have no idea why I'm choosing to drink the bitter and terrible when there're real better coffees out there. Too much good food is bad; too little makes me work towards the vision of being as thin as a line.

Without much efforts I have successfully lost about 3.5kg. If I keep up to this I can get down to 4kg by the end of this semester and work towards my ideal weight of 45kg. That's one of the great benefits that have come out of this 1 year stint. What are the other benefits??

- Higher tolerance of noise & pain
- Alot more patience
- Made at least 1 new friend
- Understood 1 class of kids

Sadly, I think there are more things I have missed:

- Could have made better and more friends (currently I have only a handful I can talk to - my next-door neighbours & one contract teacher)
- Could better understand kids

I understand myself a bit better too:

- I have high treshold of pain & patience
- I am stingy with praises
- I hate noise
- I'd prefer to work with things than with people

Of course, these characteristics might change with time. Well, I guess I move on pretty easily so I'm already looking forward to going back to school.

Wk 7

Today's Ascension Thursday & Labour Day too.

I was just thinking why is it so difficult to make friends these days. Especially at the work place. Now. I'm working in school so it's somewhat different from the office. There seems to be groups of people in school who're friends with each other and they meet up to sing KTV, drink and all. So it's not an impossible task right?

I was hurt badly yesterday at work. Wanted to drink it off at St James but was quite disappointed. It's less clubbing and more pubbing there as compared to Zouk. The feel's different.

I really want to quit Zouk. Seems like I'm doing it at the expense of my friends. They didn't enjoy the morning of drinks either.

A thought or two about friendships (by Francis Fernandez):

True friendship is without self-interest, because it consists more in giving than in receiving. It does not seek its own interests, but those of the friend. The true friend cannot have two sides for his friend: friendship, if it is to be loyal and sincere, demands renunciation, probity, exchanges of favours and of noble, licit acts of service. A friend is strong and sincere, in the measure that he thinks generously of others, with personal sacrifice on his part - always, of course, in the context of supernatural prudence. In the climate of trust which arises where there is true friendship, a corresponding reaction is to be expected from the other party; one expects a recognition of what we are, and, when necessary, a clear defence without palliatives.(10)

For there to be true friendship, a response is required; the affection and good will have to be mutual.(11) If the friendship is true, it always tends to become stronger. It doesn't permit envy to spoil it. It doesn't grow cold with suspicion. It grows when there are difficulties,(12) up to the point of considering the friend as one's other self, whence St. Augustine says: 'Well did he speak of his friend who called him the other half of his soul.'(13) Then they share their joys and sorrows naturally.

Friendship is, at the same time, a human quality and an occasion for developing many human virtues, because it creates a harmony of feelings and tastes which are quite distinct from sense-love; rather it develops the dedication of one friend to the other, to very high levels - even that of heroism. We believe that meetings... provide the opportunity for noble and virtuous souls to enjoy this human and Christian relationship which is called friendship. It both requires generosity, selflessness, sympathy, solidarity, and, especially, the possibility of making mutual sacrifices.(14)

The good friend does not run away when difficulties arise; a good friend never turns traitor, never speaks badly of the other, and never allows his friend to be criticized when absent. Rather he stands up for him. Friendship involves sincerity, trust, sharing of joys and sorrows, encouragement, consoling, and helping by example.

(10) J. Escrivá, Letter, 11 March 1940
(11) cf St Thomas, Summa Theologiae, II-II, 23, 1
(12) cf St Aelred of Rievaulx, Treatise on spiritual friendship, 3
(13) St Thomas, loc cit
(14) Paul VI, Address, 26 July 1978