Gal 6:9

"And let us never slacken in doing good; for if we do not give up, we shall have our harvest in due time."
- Gal 6:9

Week 1 of School Holidays Tuesday

Hello.

Friendship - the relationship between friends. It is so vulnerable. Takes a long time to build. Takes a really short time to break. It is constantly changing between 2 people. It is seldom stagnant.

Relationships between 2 people is always on the move. People drift. People come and people go. Oh how sad that is. At the same time, there is only 1 relationship that is constant. It is never-ending. He is always calling. He is always pursuing.

I must re-discover my love for relationships.

Week 1 Holidays Friday

Welcome back. Throw off your old self and be renewed in the Spirit.

I find a change within me. It seems like the energetic, enthusiastic, expressive me is back. Oh I so miss her!

I'm glad she's back.

Happier.

At the same time I feel burdened by the financial woes. Just like when I was in Architecture and felt so burdened by the financial woes like the expensive materials, the school fees etc. I must learn from my past. I must not let this pull me down. List my options and list the best and worst case scenario. Pray. Listen. It may not seem so bad.

HOMECOMING for the one who has been sleeping for the past 1 year or so. Welcome home.

I've signed up for 1 year couch potato membership

thanks to mIo TV free 1 year viewership.
My whole family has caught this bug. Serious. Ask the painting of the mask on the TV console. One year from now you would see me fat. My thighs would be as thick as those angsana trees you see on the roadside.
HAhA.

Inspired

One of the people I'm very inspired by is Bo Sanchez.

You can listen to him: here

He inspires me to use my God-given talents and gives me the courage to make a career out of it. He gives me affirmations to pursue my dreams and he wishes that my dreams may one day become reality.

I thank God for such wonderful, optimistic, God-fearing people.

I would like to testify to God's abundant graces.

On 26 June 2008, as I was returning home and crossing the overhead bridge and totally lost in my thoughts, I was suddenly gripped by a strong sense of fulfillment. I was thinking about my road ahead - as an upcoming Fine Arts student in Singapore, when I was touched by the God-filled experience of reassurance.

God has assured me that all would be well & I was once again filled with the passion that I want to do nothing else but Art.

I'm refueling for the battle ahead.

And today as I'm completely vexed while planning for my upcoming finances, I received a call from a colleague.

She would like me to give her daughter (and maybe her son) tuition.

Praise be to God! How wonderfully He works!

Thank you Jesus for the opportunity to sit by the foot of your cross & give praise to you. Help me be a pleasing sacrifice to you.

Welcome Session beLoved

It's interesting.

How sometimes you have so much to say, so much to ask, yet never be able to express them all. You keep them all to yourself and think that it's the best decision. Don't rock the boat, as the saying goes. It's not considerate to unload every thought to your closest friend - she'd have to shoulder your burden too. There're repurcussions if you tell your friend thoughts that concern the whole community; judgements are formed and there's no taking 'em back.

I was with Xiu today at Robertson Quay. Nice chocolate place with great atmosphere and scenic view. Many thoughts just running through my mind. Not sure if I should share them though; 'cos she knows the LSCO community and well. Sometimes being too close and sharing everything without the right focus can be disastrous.

Past by Clarke Quay after that and those drinking madly days just came back. A nice, naughty feeling of wanting to indulge in it again. But. Must maintain state of purity. It's the motive that's important. No over-drinking. No having fun in such a manner. Difficult to say no.

Week 10 Saturday

It's done.

Somehow I just feel some sort of absence. The class threw a 'surprise' party for me yesterday. How can they be so cute, adorable and handsome and yet so naughty at the same time?

Maybe I should have insisted on a teaching post in a girls' school.

It's too late to think about such thoughts now. Time to move on and look forward.

Have been mixed feelings lately about my discernment decision to do a 180 degree switch. I just hope and trust on Nicky Gumble's analogy. A child was playing a piano piece and the music sounded awful. This was transformed when his grandfather came by and started filling in the gaps and the outcome was beautiful.

I've no other hopes other than God's promises and hopes.

Alpha Weekend day 1 was good today. Went in with openess and the effect was simply mind-boggling. Didn't expect anything and got so much experience and affimations of the Lord's sovereignty.

Happiness vs. joy. peace of the world vs. peace of God.

Week 9 Tuesday

Tempus fugit.

Time sure does fly. It's already Week 9 and there's only 6 more days to go. With this Friday down as we'd be visiting East Coast Park, that means only 5 more teaching days.

And there's KL to look forward to this WEEKEND! :) Some quality time with my father and 2 aunts. I'm sure looking forward to days away from the country.

Just came back from the LSCO retreat. Very good. I've finally found the reason for my stale relationship with Jesus. I wasn't open to the Holy Spirit and continued to rely on my own strength. Once I make the decision to recommit myself once again, the Holy Spirit will revive my passion for people. There. So simple.

So I gave the green light. I'm recharged now. Onwards for the LISS pre-prep.

I also made a commitment to attend weekday mass for the whole of Week 10. Let's hope it's possible. I'm sure if I desire so much to see the Lord, the path'd be shown.

Week 8 Wednesday

"You look dead, man."
(Whatever la. I NEED coffee now. I'm just thinking about my class and how fascinating it is that I can be angry at them and love them so much at the same time.)

I like the people here. Nice. Friendly. If only I had more courage to approach and befriend them and be more like myself.

I like the area I'm sitting in. Other than the noise from the printing machines beside me, I like the solitude, the peace and the serenity of the space.

I'm drinking crap coffee now. It tastes disgusting. I have no idea why I'm choosing to drink the bitter and terrible when there're real better coffees out there. Too much good food is bad; too little makes me work towards the vision of being as thin as a line.

Without much efforts I have successfully lost about 3.5kg. If I keep up to this I can get down to 4kg by the end of this semester and work towards my ideal weight of 45kg. That's one of the great benefits that have come out of this 1 year stint. What are the other benefits??

- Higher tolerance of noise & pain
- Alot more patience
- Made at least 1 new friend
- Understood 1 class of kids

Sadly, I think there are more things I have missed:

- Could have made better and more friends (currently I have only a handful I can talk to - my next-door neighbours & one contract teacher)
- Could better understand kids

I understand myself a bit better too:

- I have high treshold of pain & patience
- I am stingy with praises
- I hate noise
- I'd prefer to work with things than with people

Of course, these characteristics might change with time. Well, I guess I move on pretty easily so I'm already looking forward to going back to school.

Wk 7

Today's Ascension Thursday & Labour Day too.

I was just thinking why is it so difficult to make friends these days. Especially at the work place. Now. I'm working in school so it's somewhat different from the office. There seems to be groups of people in school who're friends with each other and they meet up to sing KTV, drink and all. So it's not an impossible task right?

I was hurt badly yesterday at work. Wanted to drink it off at St James but was quite disappointed. It's less clubbing and more pubbing there as compared to Zouk. The feel's different.

I really want to quit Zouk. Seems like I'm doing it at the expense of my friends. They didn't enjoy the morning of drinks either.

A thought or two about friendships (by Francis Fernandez):

True friendship is without self-interest, because it consists more in giving than in receiving. It does not seek its own interests, but those of the friend. The true friend cannot have two sides for his friend: friendship, if it is to be loyal and sincere, demands renunciation, probity, exchanges of favours and of noble, licit acts of service. A friend is strong and sincere, in the measure that he thinks generously of others, with personal sacrifice on his part - always, of course, in the context of supernatural prudence. In the climate of trust which arises where there is true friendship, a corresponding reaction is to be expected from the other party; one expects a recognition of what we are, and, when necessary, a clear defence without palliatives.(10)

For there to be true friendship, a response is required; the affection and good will have to be mutual.(11) If the friendship is true, it always tends to become stronger. It doesn't permit envy to spoil it. It doesn't grow cold with suspicion. It grows when there are difficulties,(12) up to the point of considering the friend as one's other self, whence St. Augustine says: 'Well did he speak of his friend who called him the other half of his soul.'(13) Then they share their joys and sorrows naturally.

Friendship is, at the same time, a human quality and an occasion for developing many human virtues, because it creates a harmony of feelings and tastes which are quite distinct from sense-love; rather it develops the dedication of one friend to the other, to very high levels - even that of heroism. We believe that meetings... provide the opportunity for noble and virtuous souls to enjoy this human and Christian relationship which is called friendship. It both requires generosity, selflessness, sympathy, solidarity, and, especially, the possibility of making mutual sacrifices.(14)

The good friend does not run away when difficulties arise; a good friend never turns traitor, never speaks badly of the other, and never allows his friend to be criticized when absent. Rather he stands up for him. Friendship involves sincerity, trust, sharing of joys and sorrows, encouragement, consoling, and helping by example.

(10) J. Escrivá, Letter, 11 March 1940
(11) cf St Thomas, Summa Theologiae, II-II, 23, 1
(12) cf St Aelred of Rievaulx, Treatise on spiritual friendship, 3
(13) St Thomas, loc cit
(14) Paul VI, Address, 26 July 1978

Monday Week 6

I knew I was not going to go on.
I can only say sorry.
I move on so easily.
I guess I owe you all an apology.

Depression fill me.
Yet I feel I should not have been given such a weight.
Weight that I cannot shoulder.
And do not wish to shoulder.

5:30am

It's 6:10am in the morning and I'm awake. On a Saturday morning. And I slept at 1:30am last night. For someone who LOVES to sleep this interuption is uncalled for.

Anger was seeping through my pores when I had to get out of my bed into the study room. But even with the doors closed I could still hear THE BOYS' laughter.

Mind you, it's not any normal laughter. It's the rowdy, boisterous kind.

bois•ter•ous, -strəs - Show Spelled Pronunciation[boi-ster-uh s, -struh s] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1. rough and noisy; noisily jolly or rowdy; clamorous; unrestrained: the sound of boisterous laughter.
2. (of waves, weather, wind, etc.) rough and stormy.
3. Obsolete. rough and massive.
*http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/boisterous*

We've become an intolerant society. I was woken up at 5:30am by a group of misled, bedevilled (I really think so, literally) boys down my block at the playground downstairs. This's like the 10th time I was woken up by them in my life. And from what I've heard, I think there's another group of (quieter) boys down at the opposite block at the study area doing God-knows-what. I don't even get up so early when I teach!!!

So I was just contemplating to dial 999. This led me to think: is there a need to summon the police to complain? So Singaporean hor. Would I dare do it myself? When I thought of the answer I won't, I realised they've injected a sense of fear in me. Scary. Just a group of teens.

So here I am trying to cool off and listening to Chris Tomlin's See the Morning. I think it's working. As I was washing my face (in the dark) the thought that came by was maybe God turns all things good. Immediately, I scoffed at the idea.

But here I am blogging and I think: yeah, maybe it's good I've woken up at the ungodly hour of 5:30am; I've tons of work to do. Work that I enjoy.

Btw I realised I LOVE to do things in the dark. Get up, pee in the dark, wash face in the dark, shit in the dark. It just helps me deny the fact that I'm awake and have to do work now.

Anyway this's what I read when I was just wallowing in self-pity at having being totally shaken from the grips of my beauty sleep:

Overlooking Offenses Proverbs 19:11
A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.

I have a friend who tells a story of a lesson the Lord taught him through his wife. It seems that every time he and his wife would get in the car to travel somewhere, his wife had a strong need to direct his driving. She would tell him where to turn and when to turn, even in their own subdivision. It was such a horrible habit that it drove my friend crazy and became the source of many an argument. Finally, one day my friend concluded that the Lord was trying to teach him something through this experience. He decided he would let go of his need to be free from this correction. He began to affirm his wife and even thank her for her input. It was excruciatingly painful to do this from where he sat.

A few months passed. He let go of the entire situation and actually got to a place where it just didn't matter to him anymore. An interesting thing happened a few months later. One day his wife looked at him and said, "John, I just realized that I have been directing your driving all these years and now realize why I do that. It goes back to my childhood when I had to direct my younger brothers and sisters. I am so sorry I have been doing that." My friend nearly fell out of his seat!

Whenever we work close to another person, whether in an office or home, small offenses can become the source of great conflict. Resentment and irritability soon follow. God brings these "offenses" into our lives to develop character qualities in us. He uses individuals in our lives to accomplish his goal of making us more Christlike. So the next time you complain or resist a habit or action from someone close to you, ask God if it has been placed there to develop some quality in you.

Pride is the root source of the need to change another person. A man's wisdom gives him patience-to let go of little offenses. This is where spiritual maturity is seen in the day-to-day activity of life. Is there someone close to you who has some habit you really want to change? Give up that desire to the Lord. Who knows, He may even change it after you let go of the need to change it.
*

Do YOU know I was just thinking of the world of complains, O Lord? I think your angels must have reported back to you. Amazing.

I'm constantly amazed at your presence, O Lord. Even though yesterday I was just thinking how I haven't been hearing from you. You must have heard that too. O your great love for me is simply breathe-taking.

But let me just continue on the topic of intolerance. Our extremely efficient systems have made us intolerant of each other. Cigarette smoke (banned from clubs, only allowed in designated places in hawker centres are 2 I can think off-hand) is another thing I cannot tahan. On top of noise, heat and bad human behaviour. But heat I can tahan the most. I'm now sitting in a vaccuum in order to shut out the noise and cigarette smoke. The windows & doors are closed & the CD is playing.

This moment is not too bad.

Maybe ultimately I'd really only be satisfied in the Lord.

Tues and counting (3 more days to FRIES-DAY)

WHine.

As I was in the midst of all the marking, a parent called. That started the search for my missing kid. Not in the library, not at the basketball court, where can he be?

I feel like a mother with so many children. So many. I'm tired of fighting fire everyday.

Tuesday and counting (3 more days to FRIES-DAY).

Counting (6 more weeks to go).

COunting

It's MONDAY (6 more weeks to go)

Monday.

Come ye all yor Spelling books, tons of worksheets, and more tons of worksheet. Not to mention the heaps of corrections to go through.

It's just so difficult to educate morals. Things like why cannot use vulgar language ranks the highest. I know it's wrong. I just can't seem to be able to reason with the kids why not to do it. And given my inability to put ideas across effectively, I'm just thinking. Maybe it could have been better for them if I had left earlier. Academic wise and incalcating morals.

Well. It won't be good for my wallet definitely. Maybe subconsciously I was looking out for myself.

I know I'm just too nice with the kids. But most of the time I'm just too tired to do any much scolding. It's really so tiring.

A love-hate relationship

with Fridays.

Classes are extremely heavy on Fridays and the kids are especially rowdy. I hardly have the energy to say anything after 1 whole day of teaching. I totally dread this day and I usually cannot wait to leave school.

I am now really in awe and full of admiration of the teachers who can stay in the same teaching service for decades. It must be the Holy Spirit working in them right? Or they were really given the talents & perseverence to continue.

I can't wait for 1 May 2008. The stack of work is really piling up and at this rate, I can probably finish marking by perhaps, early next year.

On the other hand, Fridays after school is exciting. To be able to meet up with friends, go to my favourite areas in Singapore (not many hence my urge to elope with someone I love in the near future) and go for mass at SPP.

It's always a paradox isn't it?

Another one of my love-hate relationships is outreaching to others. I love to do outreach. When I did it once again at St Mike's (and at Christ the King church previously) last week, I was once again filled with such joy and contentment. I really like to approach people and see their reactions.

But I hate to do follow-ups. Maybe if I were a guy I'd be prone to one-night stands and all those super short-term relationships.

Perseverence

Perseverence.

I'm quite amazed at my own perseverence. Like for example, I was 50% sure I'd not go for the run last Saturday but all factors encouraged me to go and when I made up my mind to, it seemed so peaceful. I felt so at peace after that decision was made.

Sometimes decisions made can be quite hard and are what you least prefer to do yet they seem to be the 'right' decision.

Is that discernment?

Anyway I was quite pleased with myself on Sat. The run timing was my best so far (since JC when I last ran 2.4km). However, it's only a Bronze which means no $100 to look forward to. Hopefully it's pro-rated and maybe I can get at least $50 :)

I'm so looking forward to a change! I'm seriously so motivated now.

Change change change change change

Random

I woke up today with a pounding headache. It exacerbated during the day. I was so tempted to walk out of class again today. Maybe one day I'd snap and do just that.

Exhaustion is the only word that flashes across my mind continuously. I might be a lil' bit happier if I have better relations with my colleagues. Well, it's not bad. Just. It could improve.

Maybe I should hire someone who can help me do this admin work. I just realised I've 2stacks of books which urgently needs to be returned by Thu.

I'm glad there's Good Fri. It's going to be the last day of Lent; there's no work.

There's going to be a drawing test the next day. Nervous. I really am. Not to mention really scared.