I knew I was not going to go on.
I can only say sorry.
I move on so easily.
I guess I owe you all an apology.
Depression fill me.
Yet I feel I should not have been given such a weight.
Weight that I cannot shoulder.
And do not wish to shoulder.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
5:30am
It's 6:10am in the morning and I'm awake. On a Saturday morning. And I slept at 1:30am last night. For someone who LOVES to sleep this interuption is uncalled for.
Anger was seeping through my pores when I had to get out of my bed into the study room. But even with the doors closed I could still hear THE BOYS' laughter.
Mind you, it's not any normal laughter. It's the rowdy, boisterous kind.
bois•ter•ous, -strÉ™s - Show Spelled Pronunciation[boi-ster-uh s, -struh s] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1. rough and noisy; noisily jolly or rowdy; clamorous; unrestrained: the sound of boisterous laughter.
2. (of waves, weather, wind, etc.) rough and stormy.
3. Obsolete. rough and massive.
*http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/boisterous*
We've become an intolerant society. I was woken up at 5:30am by a group of misled, bedevilled (I really think so, literally) boys down my block at the playground downstairs. This's like the 10th time I was woken up by them in my life. And from what I've heard, I think there's another group of (quieter) boys down at the opposite block at the study area doing God-knows-what. I don't even get up so early when I teach!!!
So I was just contemplating to dial 999. This led me to think: is there a need to summon the police to complain? So Singaporean hor. Would I dare do it myself? When I thought of the answer I won't, I realised they've injected a sense of fear in me. Scary. Just a group of teens.
So here I am trying to cool off and listening to Chris Tomlin's See the Morning. I think it's working. As I was washing my face (in the dark) the thought that came by was maybe God turns all things good. Immediately, I scoffed at the idea.
But here I am blogging and I think: yeah, maybe it's good I've woken up at the ungodly hour of 5:30am; I've tons of work to do. Work that I enjoy.
Btw I realised I LOVE to do things in the dark. Get up, pee in the dark, wash face in the dark, shit in the dark. It just helps me deny the fact that I'm awake and have to do work now.
Anyway this's what I read when I was just wallowing in self-pity at having being totally shaken from the grips of my beauty sleep:
Overlooking Offenses Proverbs 19:11
A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.
I have a friend who tells a story of a lesson the Lord taught him through his wife. It seems that every time he and his wife would get in the car to travel somewhere, his wife had a strong need to direct his driving. She would tell him where to turn and when to turn, even in their own subdivision. It was such a horrible habit that it drove my friend crazy and became the source of many an argument. Finally, one day my friend concluded that the Lord was trying to teach him something through this experience. He decided he would let go of his need to be free from this correction. He began to affirm his wife and even thank her for her input. It was excruciatingly painful to do this from where he sat.
A few months passed. He let go of the entire situation and actually got to a place where it just didn't matter to him anymore. An interesting thing happened a few months later. One day his wife looked at him and said, "John, I just realized that I have been directing your driving all these years and now realize why I do that. It goes back to my childhood when I had to direct my younger brothers and sisters. I am so sorry I have been doing that." My friend nearly fell out of his seat!
Whenever we work close to another person, whether in an office or home, small offenses can become the source of great conflict. Resentment and irritability soon follow. God brings these "offenses" into our lives to develop character qualities in us. He uses individuals in our lives to accomplish his goal of making us more Christlike. So the next time you complain or resist a habit or action from someone close to you, ask God if it has been placed there to develop some quality in you.
Pride is the root source of the need to change another person. A man's wisdom gives him patience-to let go of little offenses. This is where spiritual maturity is seen in the day-to-day activity of life. Is there someone close to you who has some habit you really want to change? Give up that desire to the Lord. Who knows, He may even change it after you let go of the need to change it.
*
Do YOU know I was just thinking of the world of complains, O Lord? I think your angels must have reported back to you. Amazing.
I'm constantly amazed at your presence, O Lord. Even though yesterday I was just thinking how I haven't been hearing from you. You must have heard that too. O your great love for me is simply breathe-taking.
But let me just continue on the topic of intolerance. Our extremely efficient systems have made us intolerant of each other. Cigarette smoke (banned from clubs, only allowed in designated places in hawker centres are 2 I can think off-hand) is another thing I cannot tahan. On top of noise, heat and bad human behaviour. But heat I can tahan the most. I'm now sitting in a vaccuum in order to shut out the noise and cigarette smoke. The windows & doors are closed & the CD is playing.
This moment is not too bad.
Maybe ultimately I'd really only be satisfied in the Lord.
Anger was seeping through my pores when I had to get out of my bed into the study room. But even with the doors closed I could still hear THE BOYS' laughter.
Mind you, it's not any normal laughter. It's the rowdy, boisterous kind.
bois•ter•ous, -strÉ™s - Show Spelled Pronunciation[boi-ster-uh s, -struh s] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1. rough and noisy; noisily jolly or rowdy; clamorous; unrestrained: the sound of boisterous laughter.
2. (of waves, weather, wind, etc.) rough and stormy.
3. Obsolete. rough and massive.
*http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/boisterous*
We've become an intolerant society. I was woken up at 5:30am by a group of misled, bedevilled (I really think so, literally) boys down my block at the playground downstairs. This's like the 10th time I was woken up by them in my life. And from what I've heard, I think there's another group of (quieter) boys down at the opposite block at the study area doing God-knows-what. I don't even get up so early when I teach!!!
So I was just contemplating to dial 999. This led me to think: is there a need to summon the police to complain? So Singaporean hor. Would I dare do it myself? When I thought of the answer I won't, I realised they've injected a sense of fear in me. Scary. Just a group of teens.
So here I am trying to cool off and listening to Chris Tomlin's See the Morning. I think it's working. As I was washing my face (in the dark) the thought that came by was maybe God turns all things good. Immediately, I scoffed at the idea.
But here I am blogging and I think: yeah, maybe it's good I've woken up at the ungodly hour of 5:30am; I've tons of work to do. Work that I enjoy.
Btw I realised I LOVE to do things in the dark. Get up, pee in the dark, wash face in the dark, shit in the dark. It just helps me deny the fact that I'm awake and have to do work now.
Anyway this's what I read when I was just wallowing in self-pity at having being totally shaken from the grips of my beauty sleep:
Overlooking Offenses Proverbs 19:11
A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.
I have a friend who tells a story of a lesson the Lord taught him through his wife. It seems that every time he and his wife would get in the car to travel somewhere, his wife had a strong need to direct his driving. She would tell him where to turn and when to turn, even in their own subdivision. It was such a horrible habit that it drove my friend crazy and became the source of many an argument. Finally, one day my friend concluded that the Lord was trying to teach him something through this experience. He decided he would let go of his need to be free from this correction. He began to affirm his wife and even thank her for her input. It was excruciatingly painful to do this from where he sat.
A few months passed. He let go of the entire situation and actually got to a place where it just didn't matter to him anymore. An interesting thing happened a few months later. One day his wife looked at him and said, "John, I just realized that I have been directing your driving all these years and now realize why I do that. It goes back to my childhood when I had to direct my younger brothers and sisters. I am so sorry I have been doing that." My friend nearly fell out of his seat!
Whenever we work close to another person, whether in an office or home, small offenses can become the source of great conflict. Resentment and irritability soon follow. God brings these "offenses" into our lives to develop character qualities in us. He uses individuals in our lives to accomplish his goal of making us more Christlike. So the next time you complain or resist a habit or action from someone close to you, ask God if it has been placed there to develop some quality in you.
Pride is the root source of the need to change another person. A man's wisdom gives him patience-to let go of little offenses. This is where spiritual maturity is seen in the day-to-day activity of life. Is there someone close to you who has some habit you really want to change? Give up that desire to the Lord. Who knows, He may even change it after you let go of the need to change it.
*
Do YOU know I was just thinking of the world of complains, O Lord? I think your angels must have reported back to you. Amazing.
I'm constantly amazed at your presence, O Lord. Even though yesterday I was just thinking how I haven't been hearing from you. You must have heard that too. O your great love for me is simply breathe-taking.
But let me just continue on the topic of intolerance. Our extremely efficient systems have made us intolerant of each other. Cigarette smoke (banned from clubs, only allowed in designated places in hawker centres are 2 I can think off-hand) is another thing I cannot tahan. On top of noise, heat and bad human behaviour. But heat I can tahan the most. I'm now sitting in a vaccuum in order to shut out the noise and cigarette smoke. The windows & doors are closed & the CD is playing.
This moment is not too bad.
Maybe ultimately I'd really only be satisfied in the Lord.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Tues and counting (3 more days to FRIES-DAY)
WHine.
As I was in the midst of all the marking, a parent called. That started the search for my missing kid. Not in the library, not at the basketball court, where can he be?
I feel like a mother with so many children. So many. I'm tired of fighting fire everyday.
Tuesday and counting (3 more days to FRIES-DAY).
Counting (6 more weeks to go).
COunting
As I was in the midst of all the marking, a parent called. That started the search for my missing kid. Not in the library, not at the basketball court, where can he be?
I feel like a mother with so many children. So many. I'm tired of fighting fire everyday.
Tuesday and counting (3 more days to FRIES-DAY).
Counting (6 more weeks to go).
COunting
Monday, April 7, 2008
It's MONDAY (6 more weeks to go)
Monday.
Come ye all yor Spelling books, tons of worksheets, and more tons of worksheet. Not to mention the heaps of corrections to go through.
It's just so difficult to educate morals. Things like why cannot use vulgar language ranks the highest. I know it's wrong. I just can't seem to be able to reason with the kids why not to do it. And given my inability to put ideas across effectively, I'm just thinking. Maybe it could have been better for them if I had left earlier. Academic wise and incalcating morals.
Well. It won't be good for my wallet definitely. Maybe subconsciously I was looking out for myself.
I know I'm just too nice with the kids. But most of the time I'm just too tired to do any much scolding. It's really so tiring.
Come ye all yor Spelling books, tons of worksheets, and more tons of worksheet. Not to mention the heaps of corrections to go through.
It's just so difficult to educate morals. Things like why cannot use vulgar language ranks the highest. I know it's wrong. I just can't seem to be able to reason with the kids why not to do it. And given my inability to put ideas across effectively, I'm just thinking. Maybe it could have been better for them if I had left earlier. Academic wise and incalcating morals.
Well. It won't be good for my wallet definitely. Maybe subconsciously I was looking out for myself.
I know I'm just too nice with the kids. But most of the time I'm just too tired to do any much scolding. It's really so tiring.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
A love-hate relationship
with Fridays.
Classes are extremely heavy on Fridays and the kids are especially rowdy. I hardly have the energy to say anything after 1 whole day of teaching. I totally dread this day and I usually cannot wait to leave school.
I am now really in awe and full of admiration of the teachers who can stay in the same teaching service for decades. It must be the Holy Spirit working in them right? Or they were really given the talents & perseverence to continue.
I can't wait for 1 May 2008. The stack of work is really piling up and at this rate, I can probably finish marking by perhaps, early next year.
On the other hand, Fridays after school is exciting. To be able to meet up with friends, go to my favourite areas in Singapore (not many hence my urge to elope with someone I love in the near future) and go for mass at SPP.
It's always a paradox isn't it?
Another one of my love-hate relationships is outreaching to others. I love to do outreach. When I did it once again at St Mike's (and at Christ the King church previously) last week, I was once again filled with such joy and contentment. I really like to approach people and see their reactions.
But I hate to do follow-ups. Maybe if I were a guy I'd be prone to one-night stands and all those super short-term relationships.
Classes are extremely heavy on Fridays and the kids are especially rowdy. I hardly have the energy to say anything after 1 whole day of teaching. I totally dread this day and I usually cannot wait to leave school.
I am now really in awe and full of admiration of the teachers who can stay in the same teaching service for decades. It must be the Holy Spirit working in them right? Or they were really given the talents & perseverence to continue.
I can't wait for 1 May 2008. The stack of work is really piling up and at this rate, I can probably finish marking by perhaps, early next year.
On the other hand, Fridays after school is exciting. To be able to meet up with friends, go to my favourite areas in Singapore (not many hence my urge to elope with someone I love in the near future) and go for mass at SPP.
It's always a paradox isn't it?
Another one of my love-hate relationships is outreaching to others. I love to do outreach. When I did it once again at St Mike's (and at Christ the King church previously) last week, I was once again filled with such joy and contentment. I really like to approach people and see their reactions.
But I hate to do follow-ups. Maybe if I were a guy I'd be prone to one-night stands and all those super short-term relationships.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Perseverence
Perseverence.
I'm quite amazed at my own perseverence. Like for example, I was 50% sure I'd not go for the run last Saturday but all factors encouraged me to go and when I made up my mind to, it seemed so peaceful. I felt so at peace after that decision was made.
Sometimes decisions made can be quite hard and are what you least prefer to do yet they seem to be the 'right' decision.
Is that discernment?
Anyway I was quite pleased with myself on Sat. The run timing was my best so far (since JC when I last ran 2.4km). However, it's only a Bronze which means no $100 to look forward to. Hopefully it's pro-rated and maybe I can get at least $50 :)
I'm so looking forward to a change! I'm seriously so motivated now.
Change change change change change
I'm quite amazed at my own perseverence. Like for example, I was 50% sure I'd not go for the run last Saturday but all factors encouraged me to go and when I made up my mind to, it seemed so peaceful. I felt so at peace after that decision was made.
Sometimes decisions made can be quite hard and are what you least prefer to do yet they seem to be the 'right' decision.
Is that discernment?
Anyway I was quite pleased with myself on Sat. The run timing was my best so far (since JC when I last ran 2.4km). However, it's only a Bronze which means no $100 to look forward to. Hopefully it's pro-rated and maybe I can get at least $50 :)
I'm so looking forward to a change! I'm seriously so motivated now.
Change change change change change
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